The lighter side
Two antennas
meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you,
but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says:
"A beer please, and one for the road.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Patient, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of
Home.'"
Doctor, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient, "Is it common?"
Doctor, "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the
steaks are too high."
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
If Microsoft Built Cars
At a recent
computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had
kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all
be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response
to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft; we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no
reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have
to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you
would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would
run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal
Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
